Out of Confusion, Be Still

I promise this post is going somewhere. Bear with my internal angst, and read on to the part where God moves.

Over the past week, my mind has been an absolute whirwind, a complete vortex where thoughts swirl and merge and are banished only to reappear, more wild and outlandish than before. The sources of all the swingling-ness have been questions and desires, both pertaining the future.

My main questions is: What next? I realized I am at a point in my life where there is no forseeable change- unless act toward it. WhenI was young, I always knew when the next change was coming. I was always working toward something. But now, I have been at the same job for two years.

Let me say I love my job. Despite the levels of stress that accompany it, I love it. I am grateful for it and all I have learned. I am grateful for my students from last year who say good morning. I am grateful for my co-workers. I am grateful for even the trying times, because those are opportunities for me to choose how I will respond…

That being said, two years- for me- is a good place to do some self-evaluating. Which led to my question of: What next? And my desires stem from that single, seemingly simple, two-word questions.

Currently, my main desires are:

  1. Travel. The problem with that lies within the realms of finances and time- and also my insatiable desire to see everywhere.
  2. Teach abroad. This a path I have only recently begun to explore, despite it being a dream ever since I began my teaching journey.
  3. Fight for my finacial freedom. This process is so painfully slow, and it feels like it hinders all of my other desires.
  4. Live (reasonably) comfortably independent. See number three as for why this is not a current viable option.

So all of these desires and my question collided internally tonight. The demand for answers now resounded in my spirit. I was so confused. I felt chaotic. I felt like a dog (but a cute one, obviously) with ADHD who was experiencing her first time at a dog park, wanting to sniff all things sniffable. Basically, I wanted to find a way to travel to all of the places and move overseas to teach (thus meeting desire number four) and financially free.

When I realzied there was no feasible way to make all of this happen, my mind went into overdrive, working to rationalize all options (and there are plenty of them). It was and is exhausting.

But I finally gave in to silence on my drive home from a lovely, eye-opening dinner with a dear friend. I knew I needed God more than music. I needed God more than answers. I simply needed my soul to remember who God is and all that He is capable of. He knows I am a starry-eyed dreamer when it comes to the future and to travelling. But He also knows I am wired for clarity. When my dreams for the future don’t come with near-immediate clarity, I tend to try to draw my own conclusions and fill in my own blanks. Only that isn’t what I was created for. I was created to trust Him. And on my way home, I thanked Him for the confusion because it caused me to seek Him. And I will strive to always thank Him for whatever makes me seek Him.

This is the passage that has been pressing on my heart lately.

And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shatteredthe rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

1 Kings 19: 9b-12

He is in the whisper among wind, earthquake, and fire. He is in the whisper in the chaos. All it takes is one word, even one breath, from Him to still all that keeps you up at night, all that lingers in your soul. Entrust your questions to Him. Trade your desires for His because His desires are for you. Trust in the whisper. And once you have heard the whisper, turn the whisper into a victory shout, and fiercely proclaim it over your soul.

One way to proclaim truth is through music, and Spirit of the Living God is a song of desperation for God and a reminder of who He is.

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